People with high self-esteem more often achieve their goals, build healthier relationships with others, are better able to withstand life’s challenges, and generally feel happier than others.
Many of us should work on this quality. But do not confuse it with bragging or arrogance: the desire to dominate others or prove to someone their importance, on the contrary, speaks of a lack of self-esteem.
The happiness of people with high self-esteem is to be themselves, and not better than someone; look worthy in their own eyes, and not seek the approval of others; objectively perceive reality, and not entertain yourself with illusions; trust your ability to think, study, make choices and make decisions, rather than go with the flow.
The famous Canadian-American psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden talks about these and other basics of self-esteem in The Six Pillars of Self- Esteem. We publish some useful tips from it to help you practice for building self-esteem.
Mindfulness practice
Almost all the great spiritual and philosophical traditions of the world in one form or another contain the idea that people spend their days as if in a dream. To get enlightenment, you need to wake up.
It is impossible to feel like a competent and worthy person, living in a “mental fog” and acting by inertia. Betray your mind and self-esteem will suffer.
The simplest example is an escape from unpleasant facts. “I know that I don’t put enough effort into my work, but I don’t want to think about it.” “What do you mean by saying that I drink too much?” I can stop at any moment. ” “Yes, I have problems in marriage, but perhaps they will be solved by themselves.”
Thousands of times making a choice between thinking and thoughtlessness, a responsible attitude to reality or running away from it, we form a sense of our personality.Self-esteem is our reputation in our own eyes.
Living consciously means using your mind; to seek the truth; see and understand what is happening in the surrounding reality; analyze your actions, goals and values. Moreover, it means acting on the basis of the conclusions made.
An exercise;
Some people should bring more awareness into the sphere of basic material needs. Others should focus on relationships. Still, others are on intellectual development, creativity or spiritual growth.
In which area are you doing the least satisfactory? What events and phenomena bring you painful sensations? Think about it, and then continue the sentence: “If I will be 5 percent more conscious in this area …”
Practice of self-acceptance
If you use the method of denial, then self-acceptance is a refusal to quarrel with oneself. Such a definition has three semantic levels.
1. In the most fundamental sense, “accepting yourself” means being on one’s side. This is a pre-rational, premoral act of self-affirmation – a kind of natural egoism, given from birth to every human being.“I will value myself, treat myself with respect and defend my right to exist” – this is the ground on which self-esteem is growing.
2. Self-acceptance is also a refusal to consider some part of yourself – your body, feelings, thoughts, actions, dreams – as something alien, “not-me”. This is a willingness to say about any emotion or behavior: “I do not necessarily love her or admire her, but still she is an expression of me.” It is the virtue of being realistic and the ability to stand firm in the presence of truth.
If you have committed an act for which you are ashamed, the fact remains: you have committed it. This is reality, and you should not try to deceive your mind. It is what it is.
3. At the third level, self-acceptance is associated with the concept of compassion. Suppose you have done what you regret, and now reproach yourself. Instead, try to understand what your motives were, what made you do this.
You can condemn the action you have committed and still treat yourself in a friendly manner, showing compassionate interest and drawing conclusions for the future.
By accepting yourself, you do not give up cultivation. On the contrary, self-acceptance is a necessary prerequisite for change, while negation dooms to stomp on the spot. After all, if you reject what is, where then can you find an incentive for improvement?
An exercise;
Continue the following suggestions:
- “Self-acceptance means to me …”
- “If I take more of my body …”
- “If I accept my conflicts more …”
- “If I accept my feelings more …”
- “If I accept my thoughts more …”
- “If I accept my actions more …”
- “If I accept my fears more …”
- “If I accept my pain more …”
- “If I accept my anger more …”
- “If I accept my joy more …”
Practice of responsibility
To feel worthy of happiness, a person needs to feel that he is in control of his existence. To do this, take responsibility for their own well-being.
Responsibility to yourself is expressed in the following forms.
1. I am responsible for the fulfillment of my desires.
2. I am responsible for my choice and my actions.
3. I am responsible for the level of awareness that I bring to my work.
4. I am responsible for the level of awareness that I bring into my relationship.
5. I am responsible for my behavior with other people: employees, colleagues, clients, spouse, children and friends.
6. I am responsible for how I manage my time.
7. I am responsible for my personal happiness.
8. I am responsible for the quality of my communication.
9. I am responsible for accepting and choosing the fundamental values of my life.
10. I am responsible for enhancing my self-esteem.
Faced with a problem, people with self-responsibility ask: “What can I do about it? What are the opportunities for action open to me? ” If something went wrong, they try to understand: “What did I overlook? Where miscalculated? How to fix it?”. They do not blame anyone and do not seek excuses, but try to change the situation.
Passivity and high self-esteem are incompatible. Someone is encouraged by the thought: “If I sigh desperately, a miracle will somehow happen, someone will come to save me.” By deceiving yourself in this way, you will temporarily receive some reassurance, but in the end it will turn into unrealized opportunities, loss of self-esteem, irrevocable days, months and decades of life.
An exercise;
Continue the following suggestions:
- “Responsibility to myself means to me …”
- “If I accept 5 percent more responsibility for achieving my goals …”
- “If I take more responsibility for the success of my relationship …”
- “If I were 5 percent more responsible for my personal happiness …”
- “If I were 5 percent more responsible for the choice of friends …”
- “If I were 5 percent more responsible for the words I pronounce …”
- “If I accept responsibility for my current standard of living …”
- “If my life belongs to me …”
Self-affirmation practice
Self-affirmation is respect for one’s desires, needs, values , and the search for appropriate forms of their manifestation in reality. And on the other end is cowardice, the essence of which is to avoid fighting someone whose views are different from yours, satisfy someone, flatter someone, manipulate someone or belong to a certain group.
Self-assertion does not mean belligerent behavior. It does not mean the need to break into the front ranks or knock anyone who gets caught off the road. It simply means a willingness to stand up for yourself, openly proclaim yourself to who you are, treat yourself with respect in any human relationship. Practicing self-affirmation means living truly, speaking, and acting based on one’s deepest beliefs and feelings.
Sometimes self-affirmation is manifested in the desire to voluntarily support a certain idea or to make a compliment, sometimes in polite silence talking about disagreement, sometimes in refusing to smile at a vulgar joke.
Everyman’s life is full of forgotten “acts of surrender”: somewhere he was silent, somewhere he lost to the aggressor, somewhere he went against his convictions. It must be remembered: suppressing self-expression, fearing to affirm the triumph of our own being, not defending our values, when necessary, we inflict wounds on our “I”.
Finally, self-affirmation implies a willingness to confront life’s challenges, rather than flee from them, and a desire for mastery. Discovering unexplored areas, solving complex problems, acquiring new skills, we increase self-esteem and build personal strength.
An exercise;
Continue the following suggestions:
- “Self-affirmation means to me …”
- “If I asserted myself today 5 percent more …”
- “If someone told me that my desires are important …”
- “If I was ready to say yes or no when I myself want it …”
- “If I were ready to voice my thoughts more often …”
- “If I let people hear my” inner music “…”
- “If I want to live a fuller life …”
Practice a purposeful life
Living aimlessly means giving yourself to the mercy of chance: sudden events, phone calls and meetings. External forces will shake us, like a leaf floating on the river.
To live purposefully means to concentrate your own forces to achieve your goals: to get an education, start a family, start your own business, bring a new product to the market, solve a scientific problem, build a summer house, and establish a happy romantic relationship.It is our goals that propel us forward, encourage us to use our abilities, energize our existence.
If we control our own lives, we need to know what we want and where we intend to come. The following questions must be asked: how do I imagine the big picture of my life? What do I want to achieve in five, ten, twenty years in the professional sense and in the field of personal relations? What are my intellectual and spiritual aspirations?
The practice of a focused life is associated with the following key points.
1. To consciously accept responsibility for determining their goals and objectives.
2. Do not forget to plan the actions necessary to achieve the goals.
3. Track your behavior and check it against the goals.
4. Pay attention to the result of actions taken to understand whether they lead to the desired goal.
5. Adjust the strategy if necessary.
By the way, let’s not forget that the concept of “achieving a goal” is not limited to mundane tasks. A life devoted to spiritual teaching or meditation is filled with its own meaning. But life without a goal can hardly be called worthy.
An exercise;
Continue the following suggestions:
- “For me, living purposefully means …”
- “If I live today 5 percent more purposefully …”
- “If I work at 5 percent more focused …”
- “If in communication I will be 5 percent more focused …”
- “If in a marriage I will behave 5 percent more purposefully …”
- “If in relation to my deepest aspirations I will be 5 percent more focused …”
- “If I take 5 percent more focused care of my needs …”